HERE THEY ARE
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the
past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
Nor can I sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending
me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I won't touch margarine, as it is just one molecule away from being
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains, nor do I drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
Neither will I go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.
I won't shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my own because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by
the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 14,000 people in the next 14
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 1,000 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day
Oh, by the way
scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!