Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Sent in by Mike Flanagan (OhioTuber)
Answer: "I would not live forever! because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson
for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by
a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could
go one way or another"
--George Bush, US President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle, former Vice President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
"I was provided with additional input that was radically
different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because
we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.
You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at
night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, when they
wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Lighter Side Archive