The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one
year, I am going to make it rain and cover
the whole Earth with water until all is
destroyed. But I want you to save the
righteous people and two of every kind
of living thing on the Earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered
the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the
plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must
complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm
cloud formed and all the seas of the
earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I
did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction
and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether
or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was
violating zoning ordinances by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the
Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees
to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service
won't let me catch any owls. So, no
The carpenters formed a union and went
out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Union.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other
animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking
two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the
EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded
a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint
filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission that I am practicing discrimination
by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming
that I'm building the Ark in preparation
to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that
I owe some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a 'recreational
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue
an injunction against further construction
of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and
I really don't think I can finish the Ark
for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to
shine and the seas began to calm. A
rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you
are not going to destroy the Earth,
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"