School History Bloopers
One of the fringe benefits of being an English
or History teacher is receiving the occasional
jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the
world from certifiably genuine student bloopers
collected by teachers throughout the United States,
from eight grade through college level. Read carefully,
and you will learn a lot.
From Joke of the Day
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the
Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The
Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the
first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children,
Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham
to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of
Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a
partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs,
but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph,
gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and
Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles
appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the
"Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits, and threw the Java. The reward to the
victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen
was democratic because the people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as
the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbors were doing. When
they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the
Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King
Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George
Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death
grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for
the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who
wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.
Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther
was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter
Donatello's interest in the female nude that made
him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age
of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation
of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is
famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor
with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies
and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long
soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost."
Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists
would send their parcels through the post without
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed
the Contented Congress. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of
bread under each arm. He invented electricity by
rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided
against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790
and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born
in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall
silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while
traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back
of an envelope.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world,
and so was Handel. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of
Europe were trembling in their shoes.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen in England.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years
and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of
a great personality. Her death was the final event
which ended her reign.
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