What To Do When The Big Bear Comes
In my constant endeavor to enlighten my dearest and
only readers, both of them, I have elected to apprize
you of the different ways one might react to the charge
of a massive Grizzly Bear when, for example, you are
fly fishing in Alaska for some of the fabulous anadromous
fish that climb her rivers. Problem is that you are not
the only animal who thinks the fishing is good. There's
those nasty big brown jobs, Grizzly Bears. I use upper
case to express my fear of these bears. I have read
stories about them. I have seen them in the Olympic
Game Farm. There's a huge boar that greets you as you
enter the park and one day he said to me, "If I ever
get out of here and I catch you somewhere, I'm going
to tear out your jalapenos first and eat them slowly and
then maybe a nice chunk out of your meaty looking shoulder
and then...." I can't go on with this conversation because
it scares me. He was not a nice person and I'm wondering
if there is anything such as a nice person when it comes
to the furry ones, the half toners, the speedsters (I
have read where grizzlies can overtake a race horse for
a short distance, enough to deliver a horrific blow with
their front paw, snapping the horse's neck) you know,
those baddies, are they ever nice? No, I don't think so.
Bob Lawless, Port Ludlow, WA
So you can avoid Alaska or British Columbia and stay safe.
(Did I mention Yellowstone Park?) But believe me, my dearest
and only friends, you will miss some of the greatest moments
of your angling career. Therefore, I want to school you
in several methods by which you can avoid injury. Moreover,
I want to end those night terrors you frequently have where
the bear is about to kill you and somehow your gun does not
operate correctly, you can't find the proper bullets, etc.
and so you awaken, screaming at the top of your lungs.
Let us cut the anecdotes and get on with meat of this story,
the part you can actually use, the part which you will never
forget, especially if you are charged by Mr. UglyBadAssBear.
You are fishing and along comes a huge boar; he doesn't
like you(what else is new?), and he breaks into a mind-boggling,
wide open charge. Pick one of the below and see what happens:
1. Snap your rod over your knee and throw it at him
(remember it carries a guarantee for this sort of thing),
act vicious yourself, snarl and roar with all your might.
Move toward the bear, clacking your teeth, kicking viciously;
a lot of water should land in his face. Wave him toward
you as if you just can't wait to get into a fight. Spit
a lot. Glare with all your might. I mean fake like your
one big bad ass yourself and you'd just love to kick his
caddis. This will usually work in nine out of ten cases,
but for that one time in ten when it seems to be failing
go on to number two.
2. Pretend you don't give a fat damn about his stinking
charge. You couldn't care less about this. Pick at a
hang-nail or check your arms for some sort of an annoyance
that requires your immediate attention. Pretend you are
looking for geese or ducks. Go on fishing as if nothing
is up. Or check your leader for wind knots, frays, etc.
Even if there are none, pretend that there are. This is
a game of acting, of good acting, so don't get hung up
on reality or lack of props. You do have a hangnail! If
he keeps coming, go on to number three.
3.Try your favorite biblical scriptures. "Do unto others
as you would have then do unto you." (Deut. 4:12) "Thou
shall not kill." (Heathens 1:40) Leave unto fishermen
what is the fishermen's; leave unto bears what is the
bear's." (Law. 1) Or use whatever else you can think of.
By the way, I'm not sure of my biblical references but
the bear won't notice this as I am almost certain they
are not much on the reading of the Bible... Can't read. No
Bible. No book shelves etc.
4. Play dead. Roll into a fetal ball; protect your ears
from being torn off and eaten. Keep your groin held tight
between your thighs. There's nothing worse, I am told,
than a big bite out of your groin. If this fails, try
5. Run like hell! I know everyone advises against this but
it might work. Maybe the bear is full of fish, has gas
problems, and does not feel like a run, however short it
might be. So he gives up and you are safe. Tell that to
the "experts." If five fails, go back to number 1 and
start over. Or:
6. Say goodbye to the river, the fish, the eagles, your
eyeballs, and other unimportant parts. Make peace. Tell
the bear that, while his breath and attitude stink,
you think he's really not a bad fellow and you wish all
this ugliness could have been avoided somehow. Then, RIP.
Publishers Note: This is humor. It is not intended
as serious advice. Do not write me.
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