Lighter Side

What is life if there is not laughter? Welcome to the lighter side of flyfishing! We welcome your stories here!
October 7th, 2002

How To Provoke a Wolf
Ed Zern

By Ed Zern

Once upon a time there was a girl named Little Red Ridinghood. One fine day her mother gave her a bottle of Italian vermouth to take to her grandmother, who lived in a cottage deep in the forest. "Be careful while going through the forest," said Little Red Ridinghood's mother, "as their are reports of a wolf in the area. However, your grandmother is very anxious to get this vermouth, as it is one ingredient in a magic potion she makes every evening before dinner - oh yes, and take along this jar of olives."

"Yes, Mamma dear," said Little Red Ridinghood, " but I have no fear of the wolf, for there are no authenticated instances of an unprovoked instances of an unprovoked attack by a wolf or wolves on a human being. Also, in The Wolves of Mount McKinley by Adolf Murie, published in 1944 as No. 5 in the National Park Service's Fuana Series, it clearly says --"

"Buzz off," said Little Red Ridinghood's mother, "or I'll give you a fat ear."

"Yes, Mamma," said Red Ridinghood, and skipped merrily down the path that led to the forest. No sooner had she got into the woods, where the shadows concealed Heaven knows what nameless dangers, than who should step out from behind a tree but a wolf. "Hiya, cutie," said the wolf. "Whatcha got in the basket?"

Among other things," said Red Ridinghood, "I got a bottle of Italian vermouth and a bottle of olives, for my grandmother who lives in a cottage about a mile down with path. And please, sir, let's not have any unprovoked attacks - I'm in a hurry."

"Certainly not, sis," said the wolf, and ran off into the forest. As soon as he as out of sight he lit out for the cottage of Red Ridinghood's grandmother. On arriving there he entered and said, "Greetings, Granny! How's about a generous slug of that magical potion, for a desiccated denizen of the forest?"

Beat it buster," said Red Ridinghood's grandmother. "If there's one ting I can't stand, it's a looped lupus."

"Wow!" said the wolf. "Hoo boy" If that don't constitute provocation, I never encountered none!" After eating Red Ridinghood's grandmother, he put on her cap and got into her bed. Soon Red Ridinghood came skipping into the room, with her basket.

"Hiya, girlie," said the wolf, assuming a grandmotherly expression. "Whatcha got in that basket for your poor old granny?"

The Best of Ed Zern

"I'm glad you asked that question," said Red Ridinghood, "because among other interesting items in this basket I got this Ruger .44 Magnum revolver, fully loaded and guaranteed to let the sawdust out of tranvestite wolves at ranges up to 300 yards." So saying, Red Ridinghood raised the Ruger and drew a bead on the beast - when who should jump out from behind the door but a Federal agent.

"Hold it Red!" said the agent. "According to the provisions in this here newly enacted Federal anti-gun legislation, I'm obliged to heist that heater. See you in court, kiddo."

"Thank goodness," said the wolf, and as soon as the agent had confiscated the gun and left, he gobbled up Red Ridinghood and headed back for Mount McKinley. ~ Ed Zern

Credits: From The Best of Ed Zern published by The Lyons Press.

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