Here's one to avoid - the dreaded CF virus.
by Al Campbell, Rapid City, SD
One of the dreaded aspects of winter is the attack of viruses we all must
endure. Face it, if you're going to suffer an attack from a virus, it's likely
to be in the wintertime. Did you ever hear of a major outbreak of the flu
in the summer? No, the flu attacks with a vengeance in the winter. Even
the name "cold" suggests the season this virus is most active. Our bodies
play host to a horde of nasty critters this time of year and those critters are
bent on making us miserable.
This winter seems to be hanging on a lot longer than I would like. Considering
the mild winters we have enjoyed recently, this one is a whopper. Unfortunately,
long winters often lead to severe outbreaks of another type of virus. This other
virus is extremely contagious and produces severe symptoms that can last for
months. It has even been known to spawn other maladies that can affect us
for years or even last a lifetime. This other virus is known as the CF virus.
The CF virus is so active, so strong, and so resistant to prevention measures; it
can penetrate homes that have no active physical contact with the outside world.
In fact, the CF virus thrives in homes that lack contact with other humans.
Never heard of the CF virus? Sure you have! It's the virus that produces that
nasty wintertime ailment known as Cabin Fever. (Now the light bulbs come on.)
"Oh yea, I heard o' that stuff. Bubba got it so bad one winter he ain't never recovered.
Spent the rest of his life wandering through the TV channels looking for another installment
of 'World Wide Wrestling'. Ya boy, that's nasty stuff! Been known to turn football
players into certified couch taters."
See, I knew you would recognize it. Now that you know what I'm talking
about, you might admit you have a few symptoms of the disease this winter.
You don't know the symptoms? Fortunately I have a test you can take to
diagnose your condition.
Answer these questions as honestly as you can. The results will be tabulated
at the end of this page.
Well, how did you do?
1. Have you watched more than five minutes of wrestling in the last month?
2. Do you believe wrestling is real?
3. Do you think spandex shorts are stylish? (This is getting real serious!)
4. Are you staying up late to catch the next re-run of the Beverly Hillbillies?
5. Are you thinking about joining a Maxwell Smart fan club? (Get to a doctor now!)
6. Do you think prime time sitcoms are funny? (No! Tell me it ain't so!)
7. Was the last time you left the house because the TV remote batteries
went dead and you needed to buy more?
8. Have you watched more than two reruns of past super bowls or great
boxing matches in the last month?
9. Can you name more than four characters in the series "Dukes of Hazard?" (Oh my!)
10. Can you name the TV series starring Samantha, Darren, Larry and Tabitha?
11. Have you watched more than one episode of the series starring Hogan,
Klink and Shultz in the last month? (This is getting dangerous!)
12. And finally, do you know who Joe Friday is?
If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you need to be aware
that this disease creeps up on you slowly.
If you answered yes to two of these questions, you need to get out more.
Go shopping or ice fishing before it's too late.
If you answered yes to more than two, but less than five; or if you answered
yes to any of the first three, you need to seek professional assistance right now.
If you answered yes to more than five but less than nine; or if you answered
yes to number five or six, have someone else drive you to that professional assistance.
If you answered yes to more than nine, but less than twelve, you need serious
help. Call for an exorcist now!
If you answered yes to all twelve, don't bother. It's too late, buddy.
Cabin fever has claimed another victim. ~ Al Campbell
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