Lighter Side

What is life if there is not laughter? Welcome to the lighter side of flyfishing! We welcome your stories here!
February 26th, 2001

Darnit and the Old Goat

by Al Campbell, Rapid City, S.D.

When the Ford Motor Company announced the arrival of their new series of pickup trucks designed to counter the popularity of the Dodge Ram, Darnit Stammer decided he just had to buy one. Being a Ford man from way back, Darnit decided to get one of the first models off the assembly line.

The big day finally dawned, Darnit's new Ford had arrived, so Darnit took the morning off and rushed to the dealer's showroom to pick up his new vehicle. Although he was in a hurry to drive away with his new toy, the dealer insisted on pointing out the unique features of the newest and most advanced pickup in the world. Since Dodge had the Ram name, Ford decided to call their new model the Mountain Goat.

"This is the Mountain Goat; the most advanced pickup in the world" the salesman began. "It has the new 'Ultimate Sportsman Package' installed from the factory. This feature package is so advanced; no other company has been able to approach it. We refer to it as artificial intelligence integrated with sporting tools."

"Dang it man tell me what that means in real people terms," Darnit said. "What does that mean to me- the ultimate sportsman."

The salesman continued, "What that means to you is a pickup that caters to your every need. It has every tool a sportsman might want built in for your convenience. Ice augers, automatic boat launchers, fully automated deer tracking devices and even a fully automated deer retrieval system that will drag your deer back to the truck and load it for you. Every 'Ultimate Sportsman' feature is voice operated, so all you have to do is command the Mountain Goat to do your bidding, and it does it automatically."

"Alrighty then," Darnit yelled, "Tell me how it works."

"First Darnit" the salesman started, "You must name your new Mountain Goat pickup. The name must include the word 'Goat' and be a name no other person has used. That way your new truck and the 'Ultimate Sportsman Package' will recognize its name and respond to your voice commands. Then you just tell the Mountain Goat what you want it to do, and it'll do it for you."

After a flurry of names (all of them used), Darnit finally found a label that hadn't been used, so Darnit's new Mountain Goat truck with the 'Ultimate Sportsman's Package' had a name. From now on, this particular vehicle would be called the "Old Goat."

To demonstrate how to use the built-in features, the salesman had Darnit drive the 'Old Goat' up to Deerfield Lake and drill some ice fishing holes. It only took a voice command, and the 'Ultimate Sportsman Package' drilled a dozen holes in the ice as Darnit relaxed to the sound of the Ultimate Stereo and sipped fresh coffee brewed by the Ultimate on-board coffee machine. Merely whispering a command produced immediate results. "Hey, Old Goat, drill a dozen holes spaced six feet apart. Hey, Old Goat, brew two cups of coffee, black, one cube of sugar. Hey, Old Goat, pure country music, extra loud." The Mountain Goat pickup and 'Ultimate Sportsman Package' responded to every command flawlessly.

After a demonstration of how well the new Mountain Goat pickup could hitch and un-hitch Darnit's boat trailer, and a few imitation deer retrievals using an old log, it was time for Darnit to show off his new wheels to his co-workers. He would be the envy of everyone he worked with. It was the perfect match; the ultimate sportsman with the ultimate sportsman's vehicle.

Back at work, Darnit was describing the features of his new vehicle. "Yep, all I has to do is tell the Old Goat what to do and she does it fer me." (Darnit had already ascribed the female gender to his new truck.) "If'n I needs ice fishin' holes, I tell the Old Goat to drill 'em and sit back sippin' coffee whiles she drills 'em fer me. If'n I shoots a deer, I tell the Old Goat to fetch it fer me an' sit back sippin' a cool one I grabbed from the Ultimate Console Cooler, while's she fetches an' loads that deer fer me. Ya boy; anythin' I wants, the Old Goat, she does it fer me."

About that time, someone in the doorway said "WELL!" Darnit turned around to see his wife, Thrill, standing in the doorway. She wasn't amused. In his rush to show off the features of his new wheels to his co-workers, Darnit had failed to explain even the slightest details to his wife. It wasn't going to be easy trying to explain them now.

While Darnit rushed down the hallway trying to repair things with Thrill, everyone could hear him pleading. "Now Thrill, it ain't the way it sounds. I were telling 'em 'bout my new truck, not you. Honest, I named my new truck the 'Old Goat'. Thrill, come back, I weren't talkin' 'bout you. Honest!"

Back in the office, Karlan Stackmore looked concerned, but Donner Oxear and Pert Dingoose were busting a gut. After a few minutes Darnit returned all upset. In fact, he was so upset Wild Willie Meltdown (also known as Wild Will, Wild Bill, Billy The Kid . . . Hmm, that's another story) . . . Anyway, Wild Will had to give Darnit the afternoon off so he could try to patch things up with Thrill. I was hoping it would work, but I'm not sure he succeeded. This morning I spotted this in the classified ads.

FREE TO A GOOD HOME; NEW FORD MOUNTAIN GOAT TRUCK WITH THE ULTIMATE SPORTSMAN PACKAGE. THE ONLY CONDITION IS YOU MUST ALSO ACCEPT CUSTODY OF ITS CURRENT OWNER. THIS MAN IS HOUSEBROKEN, BUT IS KNOWN TO HANG AROUND WITH REPROBATE DOGS, SMELLY FISHERMEN AND DERELICT HUNTERS. THIS IS ALSO THE MAN WHO RECENTLY STARTED CALLING HIS WIFE AN OLD GOAT. STOP BY ANYTIME TO PICK THEM UP. HE WON'T BE IN THE HOUSE. ~ Al Campbell (AC)

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