Darnit and the Old Goat
by Al Campbell, Rapid City, S.D.
When the Ford Motor Company announced the arrival of their new series of
pickup trucks designed to counter the popularity of the Dodge Ram, Darnit
Stammer decided he just had to buy one. Being a Ford man from way back,
Darnit decided to get one of the first models off the assembly line.
The big day finally dawned, Darnit's new Ford had arrived, so Darnit took the
morning off and rushed to the dealer's showroom to pick up his new vehicle.
Although he was in a hurry to drive away with his new toy, the dealer insisted
on pointing out the unique features of the newest and most advanced pickup in
the world. Since Dodge had the Ram name, Ford decided to call their new
model the Mountain Goat.
"This is the Mountain Goat; the most advanced pickup in the world" the salesman
began. "It has the new 'Ultimate Sportsman Package' installed from the factory. This
feature package is so advanced; no other company has been able to approach it.
We refer to it as artificial intelligence integrated with sporting tools."
"Dang it man tell me what that means in real people terms," Darnit said. "What does
that mean to me- the ultimate sportsman."
The salesman continued, "What that means to you is a pickup that caters to your
every need. It has every tool a sportsman might want built in for your convenience.
Ice augers, automatic boat launchers, fully automated deer tracking devices and
even a fully automated deer retrieval system that will drag your deer back to the
truck and load it for you. Every 'Ultimate Sportsman' feature is voice operated,
so all you have to do is command the Mountain Goat to do your bidding, and it
does it automatically."
"Alrighty then," Darnit yelled, "Tell me how it works."
"First Darnit" the salesman started, "You must name your new Mountain Goat pickup.
The name must include the word 'Goat' and be a name no other person has used.
That way your new truck and the 'Ultimate Sportsman Package' will recognize its
name and respond to your voice commands. Then you just tell the Mountain Goat
what you want it to do, and it'll do it for you."
After a flurry of names (all of them used), Darnit finally found a label that hadn't been
used, so Darnit's new Mountain Goat truck with the 'Ultimate Sportsman's Package'
had a name. From now on, this particular vehicle would be called the "Old Goat."
To demonstrate how to use the built-in features, the salesman had Darnit drive the
'Old Goat' up to Deerfield Lake and drill some ice fishing holes. It only took a
voice command, and the 'Ultimate Sportsman Package' drilled a dozen holes in
the ice as Darnit relaxed to the sound of the Ultimate Stereo and sipped fresh
coffee brewed by the Ultimate on-board coffee machine. Merely whispering
a command produced immediate results. "Hey, Old Goat, drill a dozen holes
spaced six feet apart. Hey, Old Goat, brew two cups of coffee, black, one
cube of sugar. Hey, Old Goat, pure country music, extra loud." The Mountain
Goat pickup and 'Ultimate Sportsman Package' responded to every command
After a demonstration of how well the new Mountain Goat pickup could hitch
and un-hitch Darnit's boat trailer, and a few imitation deer retrievals using an old log,
it was time for Darnit to show off his new wheels to his co-workers. He would be
the envy of everyone he worked with. It was the perfect match; the ultimate
sportsman with the ultimate sportsman's vehicle.
Back at work, Darnit was describing the features of his new vehicle. "Yep, all
I has to do is tell the Old Goat what to do and she does it fer me." (Darnit had
already ascribed the female gender to his new truck.) "If'n I needs ice fishin' holes,
I tell the Old Goat to drill 'em and sit back sippin' coffee whiles she drills 'em fer
me. If'n I shoots a deer, I tell the Old Goat to fetch it fer me an' sit back sippin'
a cool one I grabbed from the Ultimate Console Cooler, while's she fetches an'
loads that deer fer me. Ya boy; anythin' I wants, the Old Goat, she does it fer me."
About that time, someone in the doorway said "WELL!" Darnit turned around
to see his wife, Thrill, standing in the doorway. She wasn't amused. In his rush
to show off the features of his new wheels to his co-workers, Darnit had failed to
explain even the slightest details to his wife. It wasn't going to be easy trying to
explain them now.
While Darnit rushed down the hallway trying to repair things with Thrill, everyone
could hear him pleading. "Now Thrill, it ain't the way it sounds. I were telling 'em
'bout my new truck, not you. Honest, I named my new truck the 'Old Goat'.
Thrill, come back, I weren't talkin' 'bout you. Honest!"
Back in the office, Karlan Stackmore looked concerned, but Donner Oxear and
Pert Dingoose were busting a gut. After a few minutes Darnit returned all upset.
In fact, he was so upset Wild Willie Meltdown (also known as Wild Will, Wild
Bill, Billy The Kid . . . Hmm, that's another story) . . . Anyway, Wild Will had to
give Darnit the afternoon off so he could try to patch things up with Thrill. I was
hoping it would work, but I'm not sure he succeeded. This morning I spotted
this in the classified ads.
FREE TO A GOOD HOME; NEW FORD MOUNTAIN GOAT TRUCK
WITH THE ULTIMATE SPORTSMAN PACKAGE. THE ONLY CONDITION
IS YOU MUST ALSO ACCEPT CUSTODY OF ITS CURRENT OWNER.
THIS MAN IS HOUSEBROKEN, BUT IS KNOWN TO HANG AROUND
WITH REPROBATE DOGS, SMELLY FISHERMEN AND DERELICT
HUNTERS. THIS IS ALSO THE MAN WHO RECENTLY STARTED
CALLING HIS WIFE AN OLD GOAT. STOP BY ANYTIME TO PICK
THEM UP. HE WON'T BE IN THE HOUSE. ~ Al Campbell (AC)
Lighter Side Archive