"Okay, all you elves, gather 'round. Too many
things went wrong last year, and as the old guy
who will take all the heat, it's high time we
had this meeting. And just who the hell spread
the word for all the kiddies to put out low-carb
cookies and soy milk for me this year? Yuck!
Does this suit really make me look that fat?
I just don't think I'm getting the credit I
deserve, that's all."
"Let me ask you guys a few questions. Just
because I yell out, "Hey, shorty, come over
here!" You're elves, for Pete's sake! Was it
really necessary to hire a lawyer. You're short
with pointy ears. Even your shoes are pointed
and you dress a little strangely. What do you
want me to call you, vertically challenged? I
gotta a good mind to fire every one of you over
that little charade. I thought we were in this
together. And besides, just because Snow White
offered us a little help year before last,
doesn't mean we take her up on it. Dopey got us
in a real mess when he mislabeled the breast
augmentation package and sent it to little Susie,
instead of her mom. That will never happen again,
"Anybody got a clue what we're going to do
with all the counterfeit Santas? Some of those
guys are double-dippin' again this year. In
the summer they are Elvis impersonators, and
now they're Santas? Just look at 'em...sideburns?
And while I'm on that subject; find out who
invented that blow-up Santa I'm seeing in
everybody's yards. Mrs. Santa's been starin'
longingly at 'em. She keeps saying, look how
BIG they are." By the way, this is how I laugh...
HO! HO! HO! Mrs. Santa wasn't even slightly amused
when the girls down the street came callin' the
"And Sinclair, just because you're our new
product tester doesn't give you the right
to open some of the stuff and keep it. I
know you enjoy tying flies, but Blitzen and
Dasher have started complaining about when
they wake up their hair is missing patches,
and their tails have been clipped."
"Take this down."
"The flats boat I delivered last year? Never
let me slip another one down the chimney.
That captain is suing us since he had to take
a wall out to remove the boat from the living
room. I swear I never thought about that.
Besides, that happened right after that jerk
left White Russians out after his party, and
I thought it was another round of milk and
cookies. My fanny still hurts from falling
off the roof. Stop laughing, Rudolph!"
"Over the last, say, two thousand years,
Christmas is the twenty-fifth of December,
right? Who moved it to August? Everyone
knows I take my vacation in August. I swear
I was down in Florida a few years ago bone
fishing. Later that afternoon I walked into
a department store. There stood a likeness
of me that actually danced, sang a carol and
flung his arms all around; Christmas stuff
was everywhere. Thinking I had screwed up,
I hopped the next flight to the Pole, ran
through the door at two in the mornin' and
the Mrs. busted a cap on me. Luckily it hit
the door jam just missing my nose. Jeeze,
that was a close one."
"One great thing, though. Everybody's gone
nuts with the lights and decorations. Sure
makes it easy to see Christmas Eve night. But
on the other hand, the new airport security
thing has gotten totally out of hand. With
all the lights on the houses, I mistook LaGuardia
for a subdivision last year. I did my usual
fly-by and was forced to land by half a squadron
of F-15's. Just think, Old St. Nick and the deer
being strip searched. I don't think Comet will
ever be the same. Guess we need to work on that
little stealth thingy, okay? Just think if it
had been over North Korea."
"And, as you all know, nature calls. What's
up with those folks at Target? Ruddy whips
in the parking lot and I was met by the
rent-a-cops. They told me to pack up my little
bell and red pot and vamoose! What's up with
that? Somebody must have licked the red off
"I suppose I've done enough complaining, so
let's get back to work. Sorry if I've offended
some of you folks. But hey, if you don't like
it, get over it. Or in your case, get under it!
HO! HO! HO! That was too funny...get under it.
Sometimes I just crack myself up."
"Yo, I need another bag of coal over here!
Send it to Florida!"
See y'all next week. ~ Capt. Gary
Gary grew up in central Florida and spent much
of his youth fishing the lakes that dot the area.
After moving a little closer to the coast, his
interests changed from fresh to salt. Gary still
visits his "roots" in the "lake behind the house."
He obtained his captain's license in the early '90's
and fished the blue waters of the Atlantic for a little
over twelve years. His interests in the beautiful shallow
water flats in and around the famous Mosquito Lagoon came
around twenty-five years ago. Even though Captain Gary
doesn't professionally guide anymore, his respect of the
waters will ever be present.
Gary began fly fishing and tying mostly saltwater
patterns in the early '90's and has participated as
a demo fly tier for the Federation of Fly Fishers
on numerous occasions. He is a private fly casting
and tying instructor and stained glass artist,
creating mostly saltwater game fish in glass.