These were stored in a document named “Groaners” I am sure you will agree:

Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.
Soldier: Thank you sir.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "sorry, you might wanna grab a table, we don't serve food here".

My wife accused me of acting like a Flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

When our grandma was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday. Now she’s 70, but we have no idea where she is.

My step ladder helped me get to new heights. I never knew my real ladder.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

What is the highest form of flattery?
A plateau.

My step ladder helped me get to new heights. I never knew my real ladder.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone, calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy gasps "OK, now what?"

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.

We were on a boat, fishing. Dad holding a cigarette in his hand: Anyone has a cigarette lighter?
Mom throws his cigarette overboard: Now entire boat is a cigarette lighter.

Why did the old man fall down the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
Wait, it gets more terrible. Someone terrible stole it today. Now I have no words for how angry it makes me.

I'd really like to start a career in mirror washing, it's something I could really see myself doing.

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

A magician is driving down the road. Then he turns into a driveway!

Where did the hipster drown?
In the mainstream.