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Thread: We need some laughs here !!!

  1. #1751
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Lake In The Hills. IL USA
    Posts
    3,851

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    Hey Jim,
    Again, because we're on the road, I missed this original post. BUT, I've probably seen this joke many times before but NEVER have I NOT chuckled again and again. Thanks AGAIN.

    Mark
    THAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming.

  2. #1752

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    David Merical
    Ankeny, Iowa

  3. #1753
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
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    God must love stupid people; He made so many.

    Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
    .
    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

    Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

    Procrastinate now!

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

    The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

    I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on

    My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

    I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  4. #1754
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    ,Yosemite region
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    2,243

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    Farmer Greenjeans take his blue ribbon prized pegged leg hog to town,
    a gentlemen walking by asks , whats with the peg legged blue ribbon prized hog?
    Farmer says when you have a blue ribbon prize hog like mine
    you don't eat it all in one sitting..


    be safe, take small bites - sm
    Steve

  5. #1755
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
    Posts
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    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock...
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  6. #1756
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Winter Garden, FL & Grayling, MI
    Posts
    723

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    Jesse,
    Hilarious! If you did, in fact, write this I want to read your next book. I am reluctant to say how stupid that experiment was if true
    God Bless America

  7. #1757
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    Jun 2006
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    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
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    John, back in my working days I made a good many training presentation, and back before you were sure to offend someone I like to have a few jokes to break the ice or make a point. I swapped stories with friends and colleagues and save stores and jokes that could be repeated in polite company. I have a video of a young man playing with a stun gun and after zapping several items decides to zap the metal bracelet he is holding. Although it is predictable it is still humorous.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  8. #1758
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Mojave Desert CA
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    2,324

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    Why we shoot deer in the wild:
    (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
    I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
    The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
    That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
    Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
    All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer
    I'm either going to, coming from or thinking about fishing. Jim

  9. #1759
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Shallotte, NC - USA
    Posts
    769

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    (note): I know this has been posted before, but it's always a good review!



    Dear Abby:

    I've never written to you before, but I really need
    your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

    I've suspected for sometime now that my wife has been
    cheating on me. The usual signs ... phone rings, but
    if I answer, the caller hangs up. She's been going out
    with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask
    their names, she always says, "just some friends from
    work, you wouldn't know them". I always stay awake to
    look out for her taxi coming home, but she walks home
    from down the street. Anyway, I have never approached
    the subject with my wife, I think down deep I just
    don't want to know the truth. Last night she went out
    again and I decided to really check on her. I hid
    behind my boat which is parked on the driveway, next
    to the garage, where I could get a good view of the
    whole street when she came home. It was at this
    moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed a
    little oil leaking from the lower unit of the
    outboard. And this is where I need your advice ... Is
    this something I can fix myself or do you think I
    should take it back to the dealer?

    Worried Sick.

  10. #1760
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
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    A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.


    After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.


    After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.


    She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

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