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Thread: We need some laughs here !!!

  1. #1731
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    A guy is walking down the street and asks for a light from a man smoking a cigarette outside a bar. The man pulls from his pocket a very large Bic lighter and lights the cigarette. "Wow! where did you get that lighter?" he asks. The man replies "from the genie in the bathroom". He goes on to say that if you go into the bar, into the restroom, into stall #2 and flush the toilette three times a genie will appear and he will grant you one wish. So he walks into the bar, into the bathroom, into stall #2, flushes the toilette three times and magically a genie swirls up from the water. The genie then tells him he will grant him one wish. Quickly he replies in disbelief "I want a million bucks!". The genie tells the him his wish is granted and to go out side to receive his wish. Eagerly the guy runs outside stands next to the man with the lighter just as a million ducks come flying in from the sky landing all around them. The guy is now stunned and a bit confused. Laughing, the guy with the lighter says "yeah the genie is a bit hard of hearing, did you think i really wanted a big Bic?"

  2. #1732
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    Two farmers were talking, and one told the other that he was in the market for a new bull. It seems like the bull had lost his desire to "service" the farmer's cows. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to get rid of him" he said sadly. The other farmer asked if he had the veterinarian check his bull's semen. the first farmer said, "No, hadn't thought of that. I guess it's worth a shot."

    There was a new vet in town, a recent graduate from vet school. The farmer called, the vet came out and "milked" the bull. "I'll get back to you as soon as I run some tests on him." the young vet Dr. said.

    About a week later, the vet pulled into the farmer's yard and told the farmer that he had good news, there was a new feed supplement that he thought would help the farmer's bull. He gave the farmer a large bottle of powder and told him to sprinkle some on the bull's feed, twice a day.

    Within a week, the bull was back to normal, mounting and servicing every cow in the pasture. The two farmers met again, and the other farmer asked about the bull.

    "Doing great! Back to his old horny self, he's done bred every cow I've got."

    "That's great, did the vet fix him up?"

    The older farmer said "Yep, gave me a powdered supplement to put in his feed, and less than a week he's gettin it done!"

    Young farmer said "I wonder what's in it to make it work so quick?"

    The older farmer looked down, kicked some dirt, and said with a grin "I don't know, but it's got a peppermint taste to it"
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  3. #1733
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    The Periodic Table - Bureaucracy Style

    Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

    The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. It is also known in some scientific circles as Bureaucratium.

    These 312 particles are held in place together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every energy force or movement with which it comes into contact.

    A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a day, to take from 4 days to 4 years.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.

    It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places (also called promotion).

    In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

    When it is catalysed with money, Governmentium undergoes a chemical change, reformulates, and becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that consumes just as much energy as Governmentium, but has half as many pillocks and twice as many morons.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  4. #1734
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    Hey UJ,
    Had I been aware of this brilliant explanation of the complex element Gv, I would have aced my Physics final. I missed a major question in that I calculated too few morons in one of the formulas . :>)

    Mark
    THAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming.

  5. #1735
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    Mark, I remember taking physics in the second half of the previous century. I remember the reflection of light being some that was a little confusing. Maybe, if they had explained it through the vision cone of a fish I would have done better. I had to work when I was in college and then there was this girl. That may have affected by study habits, not to mention a roomie who was on his 3rd year and in a juco.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  6. #1736
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    My wife crashed the car today. When the police arrived she told them the other guy was on his cell phone and drinking a beer at the time of the collision.

    The police officer told her the gentleman could do what he liked in the comfort of his den.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  7. #1737
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    The Land Called Scotland



    An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery. But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.

    As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

    Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.

    A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

    His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

    He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."

    To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

  8. #1738
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    A lady was found guilty in traffic of an offense. When ask her occupation, she replied she was an elementary school teacher.

    The judge rose from the bench and smiled, he said, "Madam, I have waited many years for a school teacher to come into my court and be found guilty of an offense. Now sit at the table on the back of the gallery and write "I will not run a red light," 500 times.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  9. #1739
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    Ha Ha Uncle Jesse That's a good one. My ex-wife is a school teacher, but I could never get her to comply.

  10. #1740
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    I don't remember who or where I borrowed these, but they seem appropriate for this bulletin board.

    "Angling is extremely time consuming. That's sort of the whole point. " ~Thomas McGuane

    In every species of fish I've angled for, it is the ones that have got away that thrill me the most, the ones that keep fresh in my memory. So I say it is good to lose fish. If we didn't, much of the thrill of angling would be gone. " ~Ray Bergman

    "The best fisherman I know try not to make the same mistakes over and over again; instead they strive to make new and interesting mistakes and to rem mber what they learned from them. " ~John Gierach

    "To him, all good things-trout as well as eternal salvation-come by grace and grace comes by art and art does not come easy. " ~Norman Maclean

    "Why does a salmon rise? Why does a small boy cross the street just to kick a tin can? " ~Lee Wulff

    "In these sad and ominous days of mad fortune chasing, every patriotic, thoughtful citizen, whether he fishes or not, should lament that we have not among our countrymen more fishermen. " ~Grover Cleveland

    "Lots of people committed crimes during the year who would not have done so if they had been fishing. The increase of crime is among those deprived of the regenerations that impregnate the mind and character of the fisherman. " ~Herbert Hoover

    "Fishing is much more than fish. It is the great occasion when we may return to the fine simplicity of our forefathers. " ~ Herbert Hoover

    "You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. " ~Mitch Hedberg

    "My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it. " ~Koos Brandt
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

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