A list of Groaners:

Officer: Soldier, I did not see you incamouflage class.

Soldier: Thank you sir.

A sandwich walks intoa bar. The bartender says "sorry, you might wanna grab a table, we don'tserve food here".
My wife accused me ofacting like a Flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
When our grandma was 65, wetold him to run a mile everyday. Nowshe’s 70, but we have no idea where she is.
My step ladder helped me getto new heights. I never knew my real ladder.
Why do scuba divers fallbackwards off of the boat?
Because if they fell forward,they'd still be on the boat.

What is the highest form offlattery?

A plateau.

My step ladder helpedme get to new heights. I never knew my real ladder.

Two hunters are out inthe woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing andhis eyes are glazed.
The other guy whipsout his phone, calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can Ido?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make surehe's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Backon the phone, the guy gasps "OK, now what?"

What's the differencebetween a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.

We were on a boat, fishing. Dad holding a cigarette in his hand: Anyonehas a cigarette lighter?

Mom throws his cigaretteoverboard: Now entire boat is a cigarette lighter.

Why did the old man fall downthe well?

Because he couldn’t see thatwell.

I bought the world's worstthesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible. Wait, it gets moreterrible. Someone terrible stole it today.
Now I have no words for howangry it makes me.

I'd really like to start a career in mirrorwashing, it's something I could really see myself doing.
What's the difference betweena well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?


A magician is driving downthe road. Then he turns into a driveway!

Where did the hipster drown?
In the mainstream.