Nothing ruins an outdoorsman's week faster than a
cold. No matter what your plans were, they'll have
to be put on hold until the cold is cured or goes
away by itself. Most of us will do just about anything
to treat a cold in hopes that it'll go away faster than
the two weeks it usually takes to cure itself.
I think I've discovered a perfect cure for the common cold.
It wasn't easy, or without personal sacrifice on my part,
but I'm confident in the fact that I now know the secret
to curing a cold. I realize some people will have a hard
time believing that a common guy like myself could discover
a cure for such a sturdy illness, but read on and I'm sure
you'll agree with the results of my final discovery.
I mentioned personal sacrifice. I'm serious about that
claim. The things I've tried in an effort to relieve the
common cold were indeed pure forms of sacrifice. Some of
those "cures" were only slightly short of deadly and ran
long on the side of torture. I get the feeling there's
a mad scientist with frizzy hair somewhere rubbing his
hands together and laughing an evil laugh over the idea
of some poor soul trying his new "cure." Ah, that hideous
laugh; he knew I was going to catch a cold and try his
concoction. He better hope the average people of this
world never discover where he lives.
The first cure I tried was those oversized disks you plop
into a glass of water and effervesce your cold away. The
bubbling got my hopes up; but except for the torment it
caused my nose, and a serious need to burp, it didn't do
anything to cure my cold. One note of caution; don't every
try to plop those disks into a glass of Dr. Pepper. What
that mess will do to your countertop is secondary only to
what it'll do to your insides.
Then I tried that nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing
and feeling like an old goat medicine. It says on the bottle
something about helping you sleep. It also says something
about not operating machinery after taking that stuff. What
they don't tell you is what machinery they're talking about.
Complex tools like electric razors, butter knives and alarm
clocks shouldn't be considered while under the influence of
even a single plastic shot glass of that sauce. You'll get
a good night's sleep; and if you're lucky it'll be in your
bed and not on the floor someplace between the kitchen and
the bedroom. In the morning, if you wake up that early,
you'll still have your cold and the additional pleasantries
of a hairy film on your tongue and a stuffy head reminiscent
of the morning after an all-nighter during your freshman
year in college. By the way, some home remedies I tried
while in college (warm brandy, tequila, single malt scotch
and Jim Beam whisky come to mind); had similar effects on
me the morning after the cure.
Then there's that cough medicine called Buckley's or Bucking
Bronco or something like that. One teaspoon will cure your
cough as long as your memory holds. In fact, one tiny sip
will roto-root the oxygen paths from your sinuses to your
stomach by way of your inner ear canals. To get to that
cure though, you have to swallow something that smells
like cold sore medicine and tastes like a mixture of
vapo-rub and kerosene with ethyl alcohol as a thinner.
I'm not sure you quit coughing because the stuff works;
or maybe your body can't stand the thought of another
dose of the "cure." As soon as your memory fades, your
cough will be back and you won't be willing to try another
Next, there are the piles of pills and syrups that taste
like rancid cherry juice. I have a kitchen cabinet full
of them. They either plug your sinus passages so tight
even a tiny sniffle couldn't get through, or they give
you a feeling of "sleepy on an upset stomach." None of
them cure a cold though. Supposedly they treat some
symptoms while giving us a false sense of hope as we wait
the two weeks required for a common cold to go away by
itself. If we're lucky, side effects other than terror
won't linger any longer than the time it takes for a cold
to go away on its own.
My cure for the common cold is simple, doesn't cost a lot,
and tastes good. It's round, fruit or mint flavored, and
has a hole in the middle. Don't be confused by the
"Lifesavers" label. This stuff really works. It'll give
you something to suck on without the nasty effects the
other cures dish out. If you take one of these disks
every hour for two weeks, your cold should be "cured,"
and you won't miss the full experience of stuffy heads,
sniffling, sneezing and coughing while it does its job.
Why treat only the symptoms when you can treat the cold
and enjoy the symptoms along the way? Just two weeks of
this inexpensive treatment is all it takes to send that
cold on the road to its next victim, and you won't have
to wear a clothespin on your nose when you pop one of
these disks in your mouth.
Now, excuse me while I conduct some more research.
"Honey, where did we put that "Bronco Buster" cough
medicine and those industrial strength "Super Sinus
Plugger" sniffle pills?"